D.E.A.R. Allen: Dating and Erotic Advice for International Relationships

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The U.S. Capitol, the seat of the Congress. (Photo: Kevin McCoy (Wikimedia Commons))
The U.S. Capitol, the seat of the Congress. (Photo: Kevin McCoy (Wikimedia Commons))

By Michael Allen @MikeAllenW

D.E.A.R. Allen,

Shalom. I’m a simple 66-year-old legislative branch of the federal government in the holy land of Israel. My husband is a handsome, 65-year-old war veteran and current Prime Minister. We were in an on-again/off-again public-private relationship for years, but we’ve been married now since 5769 (that’s 2009 for all you goyim).

Last week, I happened to catch a globally-televised broadcast in which hubby referred to the United States Congress as the “most important legislative body in the world.” It burns me up inside to hear him compliment another legislature like that. What about MY body? Am I crazy to think he might be less than faithful?

I know the U.S. Congress has the allure of fame and all the schizophrenic insanity and dysfunction you would expect from a hot-shot international celebrity, so part of me can’t really blame him for being attracted to it. Plus, I’m only unicameral, and everyone knows that the U.S. Congress is bi. I hear heads of state are into that sort of thing. Maybe I’m too conservative?

It kills me to see my man thanking the American Congress for supporting him “in so many ways, especially in generous military assistance and missile defense.” I guess I just don’t have what it takes to get his Iron Dome up all by myself.

I’m concerned that the all this flattery and grandstanding means that he wants more than a work-based relationship with the U.S. upper and lower houses. When I confronted him on this, he had the nerve to say that it was never his intention for his meeting with the U.S. congress to be perceived as “political.” Well, if his visit wasn’t political, then what was it?

I’m just the simple 120-member constituent assembly, trying to keep a kosher home while managing my fear of existential obliteration at the hands of my neighbors. How can I can I get out of this “bad deal” without using the nuclear option?

Awaiting your reply,
Jealous in Jerusalem

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