Nuclear Deal Broken Down in Enriched Layman’s Terms

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Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif shakes hands with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, 14 July 2014. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

By MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)

LAUSANNE, Switzerland—After eight straight days of negotiations at the 5-Star Beau-Rivage Hotel in Geneva, Iran and the P5+1 nations (U.S., U.K., Russia, China, France, and Germany) reached a historic framework agreement last Thursday regarding Iran’s nuclear program and the lifting of international sanctions. The agreement is the culmination of two years of secret diplomacy during which negotiators compromised through countless hotel amenities designed with complete customer satisfaction in mind. To facilitate smooth negotiations moving forward, Tehran and Washington released a detailed summary of the process leading up to this momentous agreement, highlighting key negotiation points and trigger issues that should be avoided at all costs, as they have derailed nuclear negotiations in past:

– Continental breakfast pastries contain highly enriched flours (and no gluten-free options).

– Whiteboard markers in business center are all dried out and can’t be used to write tentative agreements unless you push really, really hard.

– 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner leaves hair looking dull and weighed down.

– Bellhops lack security clearance to deliver or receive top-secret briefings.

– Suite upgrade cancellations due to last-minute booking by wedding party coincidentally including 115 weapons inspectors.

– Pool closes at 6:00 P.M.

– Top diplomats’ security details hogging the free weights in newly-renovated fitness center.

– Walls not thin enough for proper espionage.

– Housekeeping can only speak two official U.N. languages.

– Spotty Wi-Fi makes communicating with principles, downloading Candy Crush Saga updates, highly inefficient.

– Room smells like the other side is about to give.

– Never enough coffee, booze, cigarettes, or well-mannered diplomacy.