BY THEO ROBIE
The Observer has received multiple reports of a Clinton campaign staffer meeting in secret last Thursday with representatives from the fossil fuel industry to discuss the Democratic primary election. A source in the campaign gave us exclusive super-secret insider information on what was discussed at this clandestine gathering.
The staffer, who appeared visibly shaken after the campaign’s recent fall from grace in Michigan, appeared very concerned with Secretary Clinton’s prospects in some other upcoming primary elections, and apparently thought the fossil fuel industry could help. He reportedly asked if it would be feasible to increase fossil fuel emissions by over 9,000 percent in an attempt to speed up the melting of the ice caps and sink both Florida and California before voters can cast their primary ballots in either of those states.
The source who leaked this story to us was not fired from their position in Clinton’s campaign, because the information was not marked as classified at the time it was sent.
Unfortunately, this bombshell scandal will no doubt go unreported by the shady evil corrupt corporate mainstream media elite 1% pundits and pollsters, because they seem rather concerned, as of late, with the size of Donald Trump’s various appendages (though we at the Observer have yet to find evidence that such appendages exist at all, and Trump has yet to release proof in its alleged ‘long form’ certificate version).
Regardless of what happens this election cycle, the result will be historic indeed. Bernie Sanders would be the first Soviet Dictator President, Hillary Clinton would be the first biological android President, Ted Cruz would be the first President who time-traveled here from his position commanding a division in the Fourth Crusade, and finally Donald Trump, who would be the first orange lizard-person President (though not the first politician of this species; see John Boehner). I’d make one for Rubio and Kasich, but nah.