Not One Ambulance Called for Lackluster Back to School Party

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BY MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)

WASHINGTON, THE HUXLEY — SAISers leaving last Saturday’s Back to School Party were decidedly underwhelmed as the event concluded without a single passed-out student, emergency vehicle, or member of Homeland Security in attendance.

The SGA released a formal apology stating that there were simply not enough resources this year to fund the drink specials necessary to “get our future world leaders totally s**t-canned,” nor to provide the always desired “emergency-medical-response-team ambiance.”

The SAIS campus is located in Washington, D.C., which is not only the global center of world politics, but also the 9th drinkingest city in the US, and the one in which residents complain most about hangovers. According to a Sociological study published by Georgetown University Press, complaining about hangovers is a form of “humblebrag” by which D.C residents seemingly chastise themselves for the previous night’s indiscretions, but are actually boasting about their commitment to the traditionally hooched-up art of statecraft.

“I think we all came to SAIS because they promised to teach us the practical skills we need to navigate the blotto world of international diplomacy,” said a bleary-eyed second year preparing for a morning run. “All I got from the Back to School Party were tipsy interns and barely-snookered MIPPs. Unless half a dozen future DOD employees are three sheets to the wind, puking their guts out, and being hauled off by paramedics, then these parties are just theory courses with no practical application.”

Meanwhile, The Office of Student Life has released a scathing indictment of the un-broken-up party. OSL has a long standing policy of shaming students who waste their tuition dollars by teetotaling from one happy hour to the next without ever making the commitment to alcoholism required by top-tier grad programs.

But some students argue that just one party without any stomach pumping is not enough to tarnish the SAIS brand.

“Just look at my instagram,” remarked an incoming first year. “I’ve been schwasted on beer, wine, scotch, baijiu, arrack, rum, tequila, tej, vodka, feni, cachaça, sake, soju, snake wine, törkölypálinka, grappa and countless other liquors, all in their place of origin. I understand their relative prices on a gut level that only years of international booze-hounding can provide.”

“Drunk, ubriaco, hezui, whatever you want to call it,” added the student. “I’m pretty sure this multicultural experience is what got me into SAIS in the first place.”