by MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)
PYONGYANG — Upon viewing pictures of himself in his first public appearance in over a month, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was reportedly shocked, disappointed, and even a bit horrified to see that all of the hopeful rumors of his overthrow were, in fact, false. Alas, say sources close to what little remains of Dear Leader’s sense of common humanity, he is not at all free from the crushing guilt and terrifying culpability that comes with leading one of the world’s most brutal, violent, and oppressive authoritarian regimes.
Beyond the depressing realization that he had to get back to the daily grind of institutionally dehumanizing every single one of his fellow countrymen, Mr. Kim was further disheartened by his reported lack of gout, brain hemorrhage, diabetes, or other debilitating condition that would have at least absolved him and his subjects from the horrors of his own megalomania for a few more weeks. The photos of Mr. Kim posted on the Korean Central News Agency website depict him touring a newly-built housing complex with nothing more than a modest foot injury, which Dear Leader’s ego says is no excuse not to wake up, put on that Mao suit, and commit innumerable human rights atrocities as he certainly expects himself to do.
After a deep sigh of resignation and doleful acceptance of his power, the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love admonished the North Korean Cabinet as well as the Korean People’s Army for not seizing this golden opportunity to stage a spectacular coup. In a statewide address, Mr. Kim further expressed profound disappointment in his people for lacking the barest socio-political awareness required to form angry mob and start a perfectly justified revolution to topple his regime.
“If an 80% malnutrition rate, arbitrary arrests, public executions, lack of due process, and continuous threat of famine are not enough to motivate my comrades to strike at a time of weakness, then I must admit I’m ashamed to call you my subjects,” said Mr. Kim. “Meanwhile, I accept the thankless task of perpetuating this abominable dictatorship and condemning to prison camps anyone who would dare to speak against me.”
“A small but glorious part of me still hopes that all this evidence of my return is nothing more than baseless fabrication perpetrated by the colossal propaganda machine that is the Korean Central News Agency through which I speak to you today,” continued Dear Leader. “I would overjoyed to learn that this whole broadcast were a lie and that I’ve been overthrown, or better yet, exiled to a small private island off the coast of France where I can eat Emmental, chat with Mr. Rodman, and spend time with my lovely wife Ri Sol Ju.”
“But if it’s true that an institutionally enabled sociopath such as myself is still in power,” concluded Mr. Kim, “I sadly doubt I’ll ever let that happen.”
*Correction: Mr. Kim has instructed to the SAIS Observer to no longer refer to him as Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love, stating “Mr. Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love is my father.”