Kerry Speech Gives SAIS Americans Perfect Excuse Not to Vote in Midterms

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By MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)

WASHINGTON — Lazy SAIS Americans rejoiced last Tuesday when the opportunity to see Secretary Kerry speak in person in Kenney auditorium provided the perfect high-profile excuse not to vote that day in the U.S. midterm election. The event’s 9:30AM start time, early arrival requirement, and sheer star power created an irresistible time sink that would-be voters are now fully embracing as they humblebrag to their friends and families about how guilty they feel for shirking their civic responsibilities to attend such a sweet function.

“Preserving this hard-fought and precarious democratic enterprise can be a little inconvenient at times,” said a U.S. Foreign Policy concentrator in reference to the absolute bare minimum level of participation required to be an engaged citizen. “I could have gone to the polls later in the day, but I just had to linger in the courtyard to get the photos of the Secretary I needed to prove to all my acquaintances on Facebook that I didn’t have the time.”

Still other students voiced that hearing Mr. Kerry speak was the most civic-minded action they’d taken throughout the midterm election cycle. With all SAISers required to fulfill rigorous economics requirements, resourceful American students were well equipped to rationalize their inexcusably shiftless behavior and spin it as responsible.

“One vote is just one vote, but somewhere down the line an idea Secretary Kerry communicated to me in a fleeting moment of eye-to-eye contact will be critical as I personally bring China and the U.S. together to solve a global crisis,” asserted one China Studies concentrator, embodying the sort of detached elitism that schools like SAIS teach people very well how to hide. “I believe all voters and future voters around the world should have the same opportunities I do to meet charismatic leaders on election days, so that they too may justifiably distract themselves from their duties as a citizen.”

As polling places closed, far away from the ballot box sources reported that American SAISers were dreaming about just how they were going to promote U.S. interests, solve all of the world’s problems, and look damn good while doing it.