by MICHAEL ALLEN (@MikeAllenW)
BEIJING — Posting record-breaking ratings in the highly competitive category of “geopolitical summit reality program,” the Bravo network has announced it will renew the Real Housewives of APEC into 2016 on the heels of yet another scandal-rocked multinational tryst. True to form, the Real Housewives of APEC tore up the summit in sexy, scandalous style as their Type A husbands droned on about free trade, multilateral cooperation opportunities, and other snoozeworthy subjects.
Real Housewife of APEC Peng Liyuan, the sassy 51-year-old Yuncheng native pop-star, shanghaied the spotlight when she rebuffed the smooth moves of perennial bad-boy Vladimir Putin, who made a decent play at gentlemen by offering her a designer elk-skin coat on a chilly Beijing evening. But the coquettish Peony Fairy put Vlad the Would-Be Impaler in his place, and kept negotiations spicy throughout the summit with nightly renditions of her hit single “People from Our Village,” which she drunkenly performed atop the central negotiations table. The wild karaoke bacchanalia, which were reportedly encouraged by network executives, were just enough to drown out the tedium of self-important first husbands hemming and hawing over affairs of state with fantastically boring global implications.
Throughout the landmark season, the totally unspoiled First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, gave confessional interviews from her resplendent D.C. Casablanca where viewers tuned in to watch teams of fashionistas busying themselves with making her the baddest bitch around. During discussion on potential Chinese participation in the TPP (who cares what that stands for), Liyuan let slip that she’s always been jealous of how Meesh turned heads in a tropical dress back in 2011 when FLOTUS hosted the epic cat fight that was the APEC Spouses’ Luncheon at the Kualoa Ranch in Hawaii. Network executives at Bravo now reveal that the APEC Spouses’ Luncheon was conceived as a backdoor pilot for the Real Housewives of APEC, as the networked aimed to capitalize on the tendency of our socio-hedonistic animal brains to prefer dissecting the faux pas of glamorous ladies and powerful men over even a modest analysis of trade negotiations that could actually affect global standards of living.
Next year, Real Housewives of APEC will assume the time slot of Real Political Discourse of APEC, which is now officially cancelled due to violent audience indifference. Viewers reportedly grew weary of the show’s complexity, real-world impact, and tendency to harp on plot-points that remain unresolved after 22 seasons.
The Real Political Discourse series finale featured Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and the Gen Sec himself Xi Jinping throwing shade at each other during a truly meme-worthy handshake that would have broken the internet were it not for more pressing domestic matters such as Kim Kardashian’s ass. Obama chewing on Nicorette gum made for a well-received B-plot, but it was too little too late for the struggling international body dedicated to the uninspired themes of trade liberalization, business facilitation, and economic cooperation. Die-hard fans of the classic show will nevertheless be treated to a never-before-seen clip containing an allegedly momentous bilateral carbon emissions agreement between China and the United States which is expected to be released as a DVD extra.