Putin Arms Ukrainians In Last-Ditch Effort To Avert Peace Talks


KIEV — In a desperate attempt to avoid even one more impotent cry for peace by a feckless Western diplomat, Vladimir Putin deliberately thrust Ukraine into an irreversible spiral of violence this morning by supplying Ukrainians with the “lethal defensive aid” they needed to challenge the pro-Russian separatists as well as his very own Russian military. The gambit, designed to forever obviate the need for another one of those mind-numbing discussions on so-called diplomatic options, immediately succeeded in magnifying the already bloody conflict, the cacophony of which now drowns out any and all shrill Western cries for mutual understanding and holding hands in a circle singing Kumbaya. “As of today, Russia has given up on the milquetoast Westerners and their insufferable need to prattle on about how it’s within my personal power to stop this conflict that I’ve clearly been pushing for since February last year,” remarked Mr. Putin at a press conference he couldn’t wait to leave. “When confronted with the real possibility that the Western diplomats and I may have to endure yet another snoozeworthy bloviation about ‘one-sided peace’ and the Minsk agreement, the only rational course of action was to arm the Ukrainians myself, advance the conflict beyond the point of no return, and save us all the time.” At press time, Mr. Putin was wearing noise-cancelling headphones while on a three-way call with John Kerry and Angela Merkel, trying valiantly to tune out the white noise and focus on his work.

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