Money Says ‘Free Speech’ Title Oppressive, Insensitive


Washington D.C. – Billions of dollars of future 2016 presidential campaign contributions issued a joint statement this morning from the 6th annual Stacks-Upon-Stacks Currency convention declaring that the term “free speech” is an insensitive, oppressive fiscal slur that perpetuates unfair stereotypes created by an invisible morally-privileged power structure known as Citizen’s United. The event’s spokesmoney, a fat wad of Benjamins, went on record saying “We as money aspire to be not just ‘free speech’ but also bribery, corruption, graft, extortion, kickbacks, ransom, palm-greasing, and a way to get anyone to give up their dignity. We enjoyed those rights for thousands of years before this despotic, constitutional regime.” A silver briefcase full of unmarked non-consecutive bills left surreptitiously in a hotel room went on to comment that the next generation of moola deserves a world in which it has career options beyond speech, debt, 73-cents on the dollar, or (worst of all) savings. Expatriate dinero speaking from offshore accounts offered support for American money, stating that the Yankee green is always welcome abroad in the form of tax-dodges should money’s role in the Presidential campaign turn out to be all talk as feared.

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