Japan Resists Peace-loving Image with Massive Show of Force

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BY THEO ROBIE

As many of you astute readers are aware, China recently held a massive military parade in Tiananmen square to celebrate the victory over Japan in World War II. Neatly ordered row after row of howitzers, ballistic missiles and even nukes rolled by as Xi Jinping watched from atop Tiananmen gate in his all-black attire. Perfectly synchronized squadrons of planes and helicopters then flew over, having all taken off from Beijing Capital Airport, shutting down civilian air traffic for the entire day. After the parade, Beijing released several tens of thousands of doves and balloons into the sky as a gesture of peace. I certainly hope the balloons were biodegradable.

What many of you may not have heard was that Japan held a parade of its own, but this parade was a little different. In celebration of its own defeat in World War II, Japan held a massive peace parade last Thursday in Tokyo’s Shibuya district. Neatly ordered row after row of AKB48 girls, Hello Kitties, and Pokemon were accompanied by massive petting zoo floats and flyovers by the Pokemon All Nippon Airlines 747. But Abe Shinzo was keen to be sure this “peace parade” did not get out of hand. In an effort to ensure that the massive march of cuddly teddies, furry bunnies and prancing ponies did not send the wrong impression to the international community, Abe released 50,000 heavily armed drones into the sky at the parade’s conclusion. This was a clear effort to defy the happy and peaceful image the parade may have inadvertently given to just about anyone who ever heard of such a thing. This stunt by Japan is sure to be recognized for what it truly is, a blatant attempt to be seen as a strong and threatening nation, when we all know that the true rulers of Japan are AKB48 themselves.

“I’m the maddest I’ve ever been!” said Abe Shinzo, as he watched CMM’s comedy television series Situation Broom, where host Bolf Witzer discussed how Japan would have to try harder than releasing 50,000 armed drones into the sky to be taken seriously on the international stage. “Next time we’ll release Charizard!” he continued. His aides later told him that the United States Department of State would release relatively strongly-worded press statements (after a three-year document clearance process) denouncing any release of Charizard. Sources are saying Abe will likely go with Charmander, and feed him Rare Candies when the US isn’t looking.

Meanwhile in China, reports are coming in from angry rural farmers who have been picking popped balloons out of their rice paddies for weeks. “I’m the maddest I’ve ever been,” said one farmer, whose rice crop was completely devastated by the balloonacalypse. We will just have to wait and see what China and Japan’s true regional objectives are, but with hundreds of thousands of doves and armed drones on the loose, there’s no telling what could happen.