OBSERVER NEWS

Littering and…Building Some Reefs (Satire)

BY THEO ROBIE

NANJING – Tensions have flared in the South China Sea recently due to China’s land reclamation antics. They have been running large scale dredging operations in contested areas such as the Spratly Islands, dredging tons and tons of sand to turn reefs and other submerged rocks into full scale islands. They then have been building military installations on said islands. This has been extremely disturbing to neighboring states like the Philippines, especially considering that the Spratly Islands are within their Exclusive Economic Zone and nowhere near China.

But tensions took a turn for the worse Last Thursday in the Philippines when a Chinese tourist was caught littering by local police. As soon as the piece of litter hit the water, Beijing immediately declared a 200 nautical mile Exclusive Economic Zone (Sovereign Territory) around it. Filipino police, however, quickly discovered that this man was no tourist. He was in fact a Chinese spy sent specifically to place that litter in the water. What the man threw away was actually a bag containing a secret substance being developed by the Chinese Navy called “reefer.” “Reefer” is a lightweight organic material that works even better than sand or rocks for land reclamation. It can be grown in mass quantities and dumped into the sea to turn any old reef into a fully functional military installation.

“I’m the maddest I’ve ever been,” said Filipino President Benigno Aquino as he realized that China had effectively claimed his entire country. “This ‘reefer’ is a huge threat and must be dealt with!” he continued. Observer reporter Seamus Bro’reilly was able to make contact with the Chinese Navy to ask about this new reef building substance. Here is a transcript from the interview:

Seamus: “Admiral Wu Shengli, are you aware that this recent attempt to construct an island using ‘reefer’ in the Philippines is a provocative and unnecessary action that destabilizes the region?”

Wu Shengli: “Well… you know… that’s just like… your opinion, man.”

Seamus: “Admiral, aren’t you worried about the potential consequences that the US will almost definitely implement right meow?”

Wu Shengli: “Bro the US is too busy in the Middle East getting so pitted right now bro, just so pitted.”

Seamus: “But Admiral, how can the islands be real if our eyes  aren’t real?”

Wu Shengli: “Did you say ‘meow’?”

As you can see from this interview, the Chinese navy seems completely unwilling to discuss the details of this “reefer,” and seems likely to continue their brazen and dangerous antics. US Government sources are saying the US Navy is planning on sailing the guided missile destroyer USS Ramrod within 12 nautical miles of this reefer island. There’s no telling how Beijing might react.

AUTHOR NOTE: Grammar edits made on 11/13/2015 at 16:52 GMT

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