OBSERVER NEWS

Chinese Pin Airpocalypse on Black Friday

BY THEO ROBBIE

Suffering through a “Black Friday” of their own this past week, Chinese government officials announced on CCTV news Last Thursday that the recent off-the-scale pollution readings in Beijing and other cities in Northeastern China are a direct result of American’s grotesque appetites for buying stuff on Black Friday. Chinese companies, they claim, were forced to increase output by over 9,000 percent to keep up with all of the super deals and outrageous prices being offered to ravenous consumers on the other side of the Pacific.

“I’m the maddest I’ve ever been,” said Hen Shengqi, an owner of a factory that manufactures pure air pollution. “We would need to increase output to beyond our capacity to keep up with these American shoppers!”

We sent Observer reporter Seamus Bro’Reilly to Baoding, China’s most polluted city, to investigate the situation. He spoke with the mayor of Baoding Last Thursday:

Seamus: “Mayor Kongqi Buhao, how are you this fine after- *cough* *cough* -I think I’m getting sick- *cough* -oh my god I’m dying- *cough* -I’m dead.”

As you can see, the situation is beyond anything we expected. We then sent our dead reporter Seamus Bro’Reilly to a local DC Macy’s to interview Black Friday shoppers.

Seamus: “Shopper, do you realize you’re literally killing people in Baoding?”

Shopper: “That’s too bad, I always liked Japan”

This year’s Airpocalypse brings tidings of good joy to some Beijing expats, however, as one local expat brewery created a beer for just such an occasion. Jing A’s Airpocalypse IPA can be had for a significant discount if current air pollution levels exceed PM2.5 250ppm. What better way to celebrate inevitable lung cancer than to get wasted on half price beer?

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